A lot of you will know that emotionally, I have had a tough month.
Some of you will know a hint of what I have experienced in the last 32 years.
Only one of you really knows.
I have had to learn some lessons about myself, who I am, what I want, what I can and cannot do. I have had to admit a lot to myself.
The situation I have been in isn’t something I can share with everyone. Those who know be well will laugh at this but it is private and personal. I share most of my feelings and emotions with you, through the blog or twitter. Some see that as a weakness, a cry for help, a seek for attention. I see it as part of my strength.
I am strong enough to lay myself out and admit how I feel. To ALL of you. I have flaws. You can all see them. I have fears. You all know them. I have loved. I have hurt. I have doubted and cried. I have shown you all that behind what SHOULD be a pretty happy life, is trouble and pain and confusion and doubt. It is not weak for me to show you all that. I don’t need your attention. It is part of a process for me to deal with things and it works for me. It helps me form my choices through expression.
You don’t know everything. Some things I keep for myself.
Of all the things this last few weeks have taught me the greatest lesson is this.
Never, no matter what, let one person be the thing that makes YOU feel worth something. Don’t take other peoples words and actions be the thing that builds your confidence in who you are. Because, trust me on this, when that person takes those words away it will hurt HARDER than anything before. And then you really are in trouble.
A wise person once told me that Cliches are Cliches for a reason.
You cannot truly love someone until you love yourself.
The negativity we have inside, doubts and fears, is normal. We all have it in our lives. Some of us are drawn into long and confused battles with it. We put up walls. In me these walls come JUMPING up when I have allowed another human to make me feel good about myself, to pacify my doubts, and they then remove that feeling. Perhaps they can’t make me feel confident because they aren’t able to focus on me. I don’t know I am doing it of course. It just happens.
I guess it’s like a drug addict. My drug is the confidence that other person gives me. When they remove that drug I can see all the terrible things in me again and panic sets in. If their attention is on something else, I start to fear they have seen my ugly bits. That they will leave. That they CAN’T really love me, who could?
I can’t go into it all but it is me reacting to a set of circumstances in my life that have happened repeatedly.
I have been forced to confront myself this month like never before.
Instead of seeing all the shit and confusion and doubts in MY personality. I have been able to realise all the beauty and clarity and confidence. I’m sad, yes, because I am going through a sad situation but through finding a completely unconditional love I have been able to find the strength to actually LOOK at myself.
Sometimes it takes something so horribly awful for you to be brave enough to look.
What did I see?
I saw a woman who has had her confidence kicked out of her by people who are weaker than she is. A woman that sees EVERYTHING as a threat because all of her life she has HAD to see things that way. I woman who could only see her ugly bits, her fat bits, her stupid bits. I was able to admit that I am unable to finish anything because I lack confidence in my ability TO be great. I looked at myself and it broke my heart. I AM NOT AWFUL. I AM BRILLIANT.
GETTING to that point, the point of being honest with yourself about how fucking awful you feel inside, that was the hard bit. But when you are doing it because you are trying to discover something for a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it becomes easy.
Unconditional love looks within itself to find answers. Not outwards at others to give them answers.
I think you are all going to see a very different woman emerge this year. Hopefully a woman that has the people she wants in her life standing by her side.
Whatever life has for me now. I am ready.
I really hope you are too.