An Open Letter To Not Now Nancy …..
October 4, 2013

I won’t lie.  I didn’t watch the Miley Cyrus video.  Not until after these open letters started to bounce around the internet.  I didn’t watch it because I am not a fan of Miley Cyrus.  I had to endure about a year of Hannah Montana and to be honest, that put me off.  So why would I watch her video?

Well. Actually.  Now I am quite glad I did.  Because I am puzzled as to why the world has decided to be so cruel.  Ok, ok she licks a hammer.  A massive one.  But I didn’t look at it and think COR sexy.  Neither did most of the men I have discussed it with.  We just found it humorous.  Why would licking a hammer be sexy?  Its funny to say it “Hey …. I just licked a big old hammer” but its not sexy.  Later in the video she is naked on a wrecking ball.  I had heard she was masturbating on a wrecking ball.  Christ.  If what she was doing is called masturbating then I have been going seriously wrong somewhere.  It’s no wonder I have never been married, they were all intimidated by my outrageous masturbating when all I was doing was a bit of yoga on the exercise ball.  Miley Cyrus, don’t listen.  I didn’t see anything that I considered remotely like bean flicking and I looked REALLY REALLY closely.  Guys she was naked.  On a ball.  That is all.  You didn’t see boob, well maybe a bit of side boob.  But I found it less offensive than the mothers who let their children wear crop tops, bikinis and high heels at 6 years old.  I’m not knocking you if you are one of these mothers.  I am sure you are a brilliant Mum.  I just don’t wish to dress my child up as an adult until she is one.

I think the only awkward moment for me in the WHOLE video was the camel toe.  But this awkward moment was only because I was jealous.  Because when I put on a wet suit last summer and got a camel toe I think most of the men around me nearly vomited.  Miley’s toe looked, OK.  More than ok, jesus.  Christ that woman is brave.

THIS is the thing that has offended me though.  The troll attacks on Miley dressed up as ‘open letters’ from concerned celebrities.

Fuck.  Off.

I think Sinead O’Connor is a far worse role model for women than Miley Cyrus.  Miley made ONE comment about how O’Connor was an influence in her video.  Which, to be fair, you can see.  She is nearly bald and crying on a really unflattering close up.  It’s kind of sweet isn’t it?  I don’t know I would be flattered.  I wouldn’t go into a jealous fuelled rage, talk down to a grown woman as if she were 12 years old and do it through the media in an OPEN LETTER.

Out of that open letter all I have bloody heard about is open bloody letters.

I have written one.  To myself.  Can we make this the VERY LAST open letter that is ever written.  Please.  Because they are a load of shit.

Miley.  You seem ok.  Madonna did some pretty weird shit in my youth and look at me.  I turned out ok.  ish.  I am a mother and I am not AT ALL concerned that I will ever walk into my daughters room to find her masturbating on a gigantic concrete ball whilst licking a jack hammer and pointing to her camels toe because she has watched one of your videos.  Mainly because my daughter will NOT be watching your videos.  I will.  But she won’t.  Because Miley it is MY responsibility to ensure my daughter doesn’t do these things.  Not yours.  You are not Hannah Montana anymore.  If you were, and if you had made the Wrecking Ball video when you were then, well, I may have had something different to say on the matter.

Take a deep breath and remember.  People who are genuinely concerned about you will whisper their concerns in your ear.  They will support whatever decisions you make.  If you fall and you need them they will be there.

And O’Connor? Lets look at our own failings first before we publicly humiliate other women.  Not really any good for the sisterhood is it.  No matter how you dress it up.

Anyway …. my letter.  To Not Now Nancy.  I hope you understand its point

 

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