F.E.A.R
January 30, 2014

Fear.

Its a feeble little word when you look at it isn’t it.  Not like ROAR.  Roar is a great word.  Fear is on paper as it is in practice.  A weakness.  In fact, it doesn’t deserve the capital I gave it. fear.

This blog isn’t the place to tell you all what has made me fearful in my life.  I am writing a book about that.  But it is a good place to talk to you about why my relationship with the word fear has changed.

My fears include the normal ones; Spiders, great heights, aeroplanes, mental people standing over my bed at night, being sick.  But my fears also include personal ones.  Ones that have come from years of seeing things and hurting from them.  My biggest of all of those being the fear of losing people I love.  Not so much the fear of them dying.  Selfishly I think I can cope with death quite well.  I have lost people, it hurts more than words can describe, but you know when they left they were happy, you loved them, they loved you.  In the main anyway.  There is a comfort with that.

My real fear comes from people I love rejecting me.

There is nothing wrong or unreasonable in that fear.  But there is great unreasonableness in how I deal with that fear.  For when I sense someone is going to hurt me, my defenses go up.  They surround me.  I think I am roaring.  Strong and loud.  But the truth is I’m not.  I am hissing and spitting.  Fear consumes me and my reactions are to act like a frightened animal. Bite.  Hiss.  Spit. OR get Norman out.  And blame everything on him.

Other things effected by this.  My confidence in how I look.  My confidence in how I write.  Work.  My ability to be a parent.  My life is full of fear.

I have always believed I am strong.  But my reaction to fear is weak.

Events have taken place in the last few months that have lead me to realise a lot about myself. But also to really question my strength.  Am I strong?  I have spent a lot of time leaning on the ones I love.  Talking.  Desperate for someone to tell me “You will be OK” and for me to actually believe that.  And most recently I have hurt someone very special to me because of my fear.  My lack of strength.

But I have learnt something.  Something new.  At my age!! – I know, who knew this was even possible?

Fear is the negative.  The weakness in me.  Recovery is the strength.  When things are ruined by my fears I have an incredible strength to stand up, dig deep and heal myself.

That has to change.

I have the strength to do everything.  I have just been using it in the wrong way.

PBear (no explanation needed here) told me that fear was a choice.  I get it now.  Looking for inspiration on the internet I came across another play with the word.  F.E.A.R has two meanings.

Forget Everything and Run or Fight Everything and Rise.

Fighting doesn’t always mean battling other people.  Sometimes, more often than not, the fight is actually within yourself.

The funny thing is, now I realise this, the change in my attitude within such a small space of time is incredible.

I have to do something right now.  Something which is hard.  I have no idea of the outcome.  If I will end up happy or sad.  BUT the difference is this.  I am not prepared to cry in the corner and wait to see what happens.  Or even to stand up everyday crying but fighting through it.  No. I accept that something is missing.  I know what I need to do.  I am doing it.

Right now my strength needs to be standing like a lighthouse.  With my love firing out across the sea.  No matter how rough the wind gets.  No matter how high the waves crash around me.  My job is to stand strong.  Confident.  Because the ONE thing that matters to me needs to be as sure in my strength as a Naval fleet can be in that lighthouse.

I know I can be that and I am not afraid of the outcomes.  I am happy.  Peaceful with the feeling.

I don’t know if this blog sounds a bit preachy.  And I sure as hell know its not nearly funny enough.  I may try and work on something funny this afternoon.  You know? tip the balance.

But. I think its really important we all look at our relationships with fear and what fear is ruining for us.  What our fears are doing to other people.  People we love.  More than anything.  People who need us.

I am off to make things count and to fix some of the other things that fears are stopping me from doing.  Not spiders.  I am not ready to fix that.  Spiders can do one.

Xx

The Image featured at the top of the blog is part of Fear Is A Choice by an incredibly cool artist called Yann Houri.  Check him out please.

 

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