I Read The Daily Mail And Now I Want To Eat My Own Vagina Off.
August 20, 2015

I won’t beat around the bush.  I just read The Daily Mail.

I’m pretty pissed off with myself.  The only savings grace is that I didn’t buy it.  It was lazing about luring me in with its antagonistic headlines, on a table at my local pub.

I ignored it for a good 20 minutes whilst pounding out some invoices and contemplating the beautiful weekend I have ahead of me.

And then my curiosity got the better of me and I read it.

I want to share my thoughts because, of late, I’ve been quite reflective about my own life and not really that grumpy and / or funny.

I pride myself on the fact I listen to Radio 4 and read The Times or The Telegraph.  I even enjoy the odd peak at the Financial Times.  Recently I’ve winced at The Telegraph, especially the Politics section which, on some occasions, you would be forgiven for having to look back at the front page to ensure you haven’t foolishly picked up a copy of The Mail by accident.

However, today I got what I deserved and I am now seething with anger at the stupidity and awfulness of narrow minded, highly vocal, pursed lipped MORONS.

Do people really read this paper? Seriously? I mean times are tough at the moment, for us all.  Some days I look at my handful of change and think how precious every penny is.  HOW on earth do people dip into those precious pennies and exchange them for such tosh?

Take this Ashley Madison thing.  Sprawled across the first couple of pages like a disgusting trophy for these hackers to bounce around and celebrate with.  There is nothing to celebrate here Daily Mail readers.  Nothing.

Discovering an affair is the most heart braking, sickening thing that can happen in a relationship.  And yes, yes there are a million reasons for a man or woman to seek sex or comfort outside of their marriage but these reasons tend to be quite sad within themselves.  One woman said “I just wanted to feel beautiful” How sad is that? Mainly it’s sad because, and this is something I have recently learnt, you aren’t going to find beauty in yourself through other people.  No matter who is bouncing you off a hotel wall.  Until you look in the mirror and say “Hell YES” you are never ever going to feel beautiful.

We spend an awful long time looking at what others do to create our issues.  And we give ourselves such brilliant excuses to NOT have to face the most important person of all.  Ourselves.  We never seem to ask the question “What have I done to create this” we only scream “You made me feel this because”

I digress slightly.

The Daily Mail has given us a list today of the types of people having affairs on AM.  Police men.   People from the MOD.  SOMEONE FROM THE VATICAN.  Jesus! people, does job title really surprise us? Does it really need sensationalizing?

It’s not a complicated thing.  Affairs.

Men need sex.  For a number of reasons.  Most of these reasons are based purely on sensation or release of aggression.  Control.  Stress relief.  To a man, a shag is literally that.  It is just sex.  No different to a wank (It’s taken me 25 attempts to write the word wank thanks to autocorrect making it sank.  I hope you appreciate the dedication to this blog now) just a little softer, wetter and warmer (sorry mum) In most cases there is no emotion attached to sex outside of a relationship.

Women? We can’t get our heads around that.  Because women have affairs for emotional reasons.  Mainly we have sexual affairs because of our own insecurities.  Feeling unattractive.  Feeling lonely.  Feeling insecure.  We give ourselves reasons for it which makes it better.  Unfortunately it is never better.  And it never will be until this woman feels secure, strong and independent in herself.  No matter how many hours George Clooney spends spaffing on our inner thighs it’s going to improve our situation.

When a man discovers an affair they relate it to their own reasons for having affairs.  This emasculates them, removes control, power.  It leaves them feeling exposed and weak.

When a woman discovers an affair they relate it to their own reasons.  This makes them broken with despair because they can’t see past the irrelevance of the sex.  They can only see the emotion in the sex.

Affairs are bullshit.  But they happen.  Not every relationship will go through it but my god, there are way more affairs going on than you’d believe.  I have to bite my lip every time certain people on my Twitter tweet about their amazing wives.  But bite my lip I do, because its NOT my business.

Ashley Madison is a horrible website which I don’t think should exist however, if it wasn’t there affairs would still happen and in fact potentially there would be more abuse of prostitution and other such outlets.

This hacking has infuriated me.

My ex had an affair when we first met – and bare in mind I had my own shitty secrets too so don’t judge based on this simple line – you know the only thing I would change about that affair? Not the fact that it happened, I think it had to.  But the fact that I found out about it.  The fact I was called and told.

The hackers of this site have absolutely violated the privacy of people whom we have NO knowledge of.  It has exposed, potentially innocent, partners to the gut wrenching reality of a situation they would have been better off without.  Very few affairs happen because someone is a massive arsehole.  Most of them happen because there is something broken, somewhere. And mostly that broken thing can be fixed.

I’m bloody annoyed today.  I don’t know why I blame the Daily Mail but I do.  I can’t help but think the hackers of AM are probably Daily Mail readers, or worse, commenters.

I think this country would do a lot better if we stopped banning all the fun things like drugs and started banning all the shit things, like The Daily Mail.


I’m going to be in a grump all day because of this.

My god, it feels good.

  • Glasgow1975
    August 20, 2015

    Ashley Madison, not Madonna Avenue . . .

  • tony Phillips
    September 2, 2015

    I never read the news papers all full of rubbish and lies. And the Daily mail is the biggest joke paper going.


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