Paws Up For Auric
May 23, 2014

I am a mix of feelings today.

Last night, after a really sad week for me, I went out and got hammered.  I haven’t been able to drink for yonks and the fact I can drink now is kinda sucky.  But hey, I soon got back into the swing of things and was annoying the hell out of sailors by the River Hamble.

Halfway through my evening I got a message from one of the greatest women I know.  Actually that isn’t enough just to say that.  Melindi Scott is the ONLY woman I actually want to be.  If I can be half the awesome person she is then I will be happy.

She is pure brilliantness with a fisting bracelet.  She is kind and funny.  She tolerates ZERO bullshit.  She helps people wherever she can and she also dislikes all the people I dislike.  Which means she is also always right. She JUST HAPPENS to be married to Calum Lockie who, if you didn’t know, is THE coolest man on earth.  Quite a statement as he is Scottish (at least I think thats what his funny accent is.  It’s not Welsh for sure) Anyway it is true, he is.

Calum and Melindi are top of my list of just GREAT people and that list includes some pretty amazing dudes.

Anyway.  I digress.

The message I received from Melindi was gutting.  They have been away racing and selflessly pushing the charity Mission Motorsport and came home to discover they had been burgled.  Robbed.  Skanked.  By an massive arsehole, shit-head, penis, dick CCCCC…… I can’t bring myself to say the C word on my blog.  But …… you all know what I mean.

You can’t say anyone deserves to be burgled but if two people DON’T deserve it, then it is Melindi and Calum.

This morning I learnt that Auric Goldmonkey – the Mission Motorsport monkey adopted by Melindi and Calum – had had his Mission Motorsport Charity tin emptied and stolen.  Almost £600 went missing.

I wanted to share with you a little bit about the Mission Motorsport monkeys.  How they came about.  What they do.  Why they do it and why their humans are so special.

A couple of years ago – and don’t ask me to remember dates or how it happened – a person drew my attention to @stephjs or Steph Sykes as I know her.  Steph was an amazing Sock Monkey maker.  Her monkeys weren’t like the weird boggle eyed things you see on ‘craft’ stalls, no, they were handsome and well stuffed and full of personality and, as Steph proudly tells us monkey owners, CE APPROVED – its a big deal.  It means they aren’t stuffed with asbestos and their eyes don’t contain razor sharp pins.  They also won’t catch on fire if you leave them in the sun for 20 seconds. Or at least, I think that’s what CE APPROVED means.  If it isn’t then you may need to check with Steph.

A few months after we followed each other Steph had noticed I was having a hard time and she sent me one of her monkeys to cheer me up.  It was gorgeous.  As is she.  It came with a handwritten card and I knew that Steph was one of the A team.  A superbly kind and beautiful human who CARED about other people and was amazing enough to actually DO something to improve the lives and feelings of others.  Also, she had a sock monkey tattoo on her arm.  Yes.  THAT is how cool she is.

Somehow, there was probably Gin involved, between Sue Patz @themadpatters Steph and myself we came up with the idea of making some Mission Motorsport monkeys as merchandise for the charity.

Originally we were going to get a pink camo one and call it Jim and a blue camo one and call it Rich but instead the first official Mission Motorsport monkey was called Gordon and was sent to Sue Patz.

From there the monkeys really took off and now they are everywhere.  Baron Von Monkeytail is currently in Kabul alongside Phil and Grant who are the K2K twins with @shorsec_racing and I think nearly every marshall in the United Kingdom has a Mission Motorsport monkey tucked away, some have a whole gang of monkeys.  Most of the monkeys have a twitter account and they spend their time spreading the word and raising the profile of Mission Motorsport.  Jim hates them, but we all know SECRETLY he loves them because they monkeys and their humans are fantastic supporters of the charity and go out of their way to promote what Mission Motorsport do every single weekend.

Perhaps one of the most active and well known of all the #monkeymassive is Auric Goldmonkey.

Auric rubs tails with some of the best racing drivers in the country and works with GoldTrack which – in my opinion – is THE best track day company the world has to offer.  They have a sweet tin.  What more do you need to know?  Actually you probably need to know that as well as the sweet tin they have a Melindi and a Calum.  And now, an Auric.

Auric has his very own Mission Motorsport collection tin.  He taxes people and all the tax goes into the Mission Motorsport charity tin.  The last emptying of Auric’s special tin resulted in a £313 donation to the charity.  This time round he has upped his game.  At last count the tin had £600 in it.  Waiting at Melindi and Calums house.  Ready to be counted and deposited in the charity bank account.

Except, that isn’t going to happen now.  Because the thieving shitty bastards I was telling you about earlier.  They have it.

They are probably in a pub now drinking Stella Artois and are moments off rolling in to give their wives a good beating before falling asleep in a pool of their own vomit then waking up in the morning to prepare for more arsehole burglaries that they are bound to commit because they are penis brained fuckwits.

Its bad enough that they have violated the house and minds of two amazing people (and one courageous sock monkey) but they also KNOWINGLY opened the Mission Motorsport charity tin – which is clearly labeled up and obvious what it is for – and stole from OUR lads.  From OUR GUYS.  Not JUST from lads that fight daily to protect and defend other people, no.  They stole from the lads who have come home injured.  Men that have had to rebuild their lives.  Guys who gave up limbs to protect other HUMAN BEINGS.

Urghh.  I can’t even bloody think about it. I am actually foaming at the mouth angry.



It’s done.  We know the world is full of fuckwits right? I mean Jesus – we just had an election, if that doesn’t highlight the fuckwits contained on this tiny isle then what does.  It’s done and so now we do what we do best.  We dig deep, we help our friends, we protect our family and we put back as much of the wrongs that have been done.

So. I have created a page on MyDonate where you can refill Auric’s tin.

Show the world that we don’t understand it but we can accept it and then lets KICK SOME ARSE with our kindness.

Melindi, Calum and Auric, keep your Paws Up.  You are stronger, greater and more awesome than any stupid poo faced, spunk bubble of a robber.

I love you all so much it makes my nipples spin round in circles.

Donate what you can here please PAWSUPFORAURIC

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