Paws Up
April 19, 2014

When the shit hits the fan, and I mean REALLY hits it, not just a little but the whole lot gets straight in the fan and flies out completely in the direction of your face, what do you do?

Recently THE shit hasn’t just hit the fan.  All the shit has hit ALL the fans.  I am covered in the stuff.  Its horrible, but I’m a mum and quite used to being covered in poo.  Also I am pretty experimental in the bedroom department.  I am sure I have been covered in much worse than poo.  (I have not EVER and will NEVER mix those two things.  Bedrooms and poo.  Just for the record)

Anyway so, here I am all covered in poo.

What I take from this is I can either go and have a wash and then spend the rest of my life like Hoggle – mooching about DESPERATELY afraid of the ‘Bog of Eternal Stench’ – or I can learn how to put my paws up, keep my eyes open and learn how to dodge the next lot of poo that comes splattering in my direction.

So.  Here is what I am doing. I am putting my paws up.

You see life will always throw shit your way and sadly you are surrounded by fans and other awful poo flinging things.  You have to learn to either switch off the fans or to dodge the poo or to accept you are always going to be covered in the stuff and just take it.

My plan right now is to change the way I react to things and to change my mind set.  Start with the small things.

I have been quite unhappy for a while now and I have got drawn into a habitual cycle of gloom.  I surround myself with negativity without even knowing it.  For example, I watch Eastenders.  I watch Coronation Street.  Have you ever stopped to look at how negative those programs are?  Jesus.  Those shows are just misery after misery after misery and I am mugged off by them every week.  I think they add some kind of peace to my day but what they actually do is NUMB my brain even more and continue my cycle of gloom.  With the exception of the PURE JOY that is Danny Dyer.  But even he isn’t enough of a sparkle to bring positivity to the East End drool.

So I have quit all that.  I now go to bed super early and listen to Radio 4.  It’s so soothing.  I am certain it is making me smarter.  Its also making me thinner.  This is true.  I am certain it’s all to do with the fact I am actually sleeping and not filling my head up with other peoples made up problems.  I wake up at 6 am and I am ready to fight the day.  My mind is getting sharper.

I get my news from twitter.  I tell myself that is a good thing.  It isn’t.  To be honest I am not really sure that ANY news is a good idea.  It’s all so fucking filtered now but I am willing to indulge it with a skeptical mind.  So I have now signed up to The Times.  Not just online.  No.  I have gone the WHOLE HOG.  I think they call what I have done ‘The Ultimate Package’ and I will admit, the name really lured me in, I didn’t pay much attention to what I was actually getting.  Turns out I get it all.  Lucky me.

Anyway, I started my first morning as a Times reader staring at the internet page and to find it not working.  I think some how my appearance in its subscribers list had broken it and just to add insult to injury, I nipped on to twitter just to have a peak at what you were all doing to discover through The Times twitter app that it was broken.  So, perhaps getting my news from twitter isn’t ALL bad.  I just need to know when to believe and when to curl my nose up and say hmmmmm, I’ll reserve judgement.

Reserving judgement is also something I am working on.  I watch you all and I am a terribly judgmental soul.  I hate it.  I hate being judged.  Yet I judge so well.  If you read this and I know you, or I follow you on twitter, don’t for a moment think I haven’t judged you in some form or another.  I will have probably done it when I felt weak and hurt by something, or annoyed by something as simple as my sons AWFUL whistling, which he is doing now by the way.  He isn’t very good at whistling and I wish I could find a way to stop it.  It drives me NUTS.  It is worse than the hollow heads.  NO.  Wait.  Nothing is worst than the hollow heads.  But it is bad.  The constant whistling.  OH GOD WHEN DO THE EASTER HOLIDAYS END.  Sorry, I digress.  I was talking about my terribly unfair judging of people.  My point is this.  I judge other people because of my own insecurities.  I always have.  Its horrible.  I need to stop.  Although some of you really are bad people.  People that really need to take a good look at yourselves and what you do to those around you.  But that is another blog altogether.

Alex, one of the lads at Mission Motorsport, picked me up on it once at a Powerboat race in Plymouth.  There were some very young, very beautiful girls.  They were promo girls.  They walked past me and KILLED me with their gorgeousness and their tiny weeny bottoms and thighs that looked like my upper arms and stomachs that JUST COULD NOT BE REALLY THAT FLAT.  I rolled my eyes, I probably said something awful to Alex.  He pulled me up on it straight away and then insisted I go and say something nice to them.  Find out WHO they were before judging.  Like a petulant child I skulked off towards them “I like your shoes” I mumbled at one of them.  They KILLED me with their loveliness. I ended up shoving one in my C Amg and filming her driving it for her boyfriend.  She was kind and sweet and full of insecurities about what she was doing but my goodness she was beautiful.  I spent the rest of the weekend telling women how amazing they were and the phrase “I’m not a lesbian but ….. ” was born.  For clarity, an example “I’m not a lesbian but your hair is absolutely stunning” usually followed by the brightest smile on the other persons face followed by the words “Omg, I was really worried about my hair tonight, thank you” and off walks someone who YOU have made feel good.

That’s a feeling.  I can tell you.

When I am insecure I find it hard not to see through bitter eyes.  Everyone must be out to get me.  I’ll get to them first.  So when I say I need to learn to reserve judgement what I mean is, before I can judge others I must first be able to judge myself.

I feel I can do that now.  I feel I understand enough about what a complete arsehole I can be to understand why others may seem a certain way.

So, today is all about putting my paws up.  Acknowledging what I need to do to fix my life and “POW POWING’ all the poos that are flung in my direction.

Most importantly remembering WHY I am doing it.

My pack.

My cubs.

My family.

Because if I am to do my job as Lioness, I have to be able to get upto my elbows in shit and protect us from anything that comes our way.

Keep your paws up.



1 Comment
  • April 20, 2014

    You don't need to worry about the promo girls, Nancy. You're gorgeous AND you can sustain an intelligent conversation.


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