I’m trying something new. Usually I write a blog and post it the same day. Because I am really efficient (I am not. I am impulsive) So today (It’s Wednesday) I am writing a blog which I will allow my computer to post on Monday. It’s a scheduled thing. I won’t know if it has been published until 09;00 on Monday. It might not work. If it does work and something terrible has happened over the weekend. Just remember. I can’t see into the future and I am SORRY if my scheduling coincided with something serious. Scheduled blogs are dangerous. I could even be dead on Friday. Sorry Mum, If I am dead and this blog is the last thing of mine you read. I had wanted it to brighten up your Monday.
A few weeks ago I was sitting with Andy. We were having a chat about general nonsense. Days like this are literally my favourite. I never imagined meeting someone like him. Someone who I genuinely love. Someone who I love to be annoyed by. Who makes me want to change my shit bits. Even the shit bits I’m not aware of until they are pointed out. If I could make a career out of just being around him. I would. However to do that I would need to join the Army. Lets all just think about that for a moment. Me. In the Army. Aesthetically pleasing. But a disaster no less. I’m late, messy and far to ignorant to take orders. If I was in charge of our countries safety there would be a lot more dead people knocking about. Anyway, I digress. We were talking and got on to the subject of those posts on Facebook about animals being beaten up. Neither he nor I liked them on our feed. I understand why people post them, but I don’t want to see them. The truth is so important, but sometimes naivety is best.
It made me think about the internet and the fact that it can invade our life at any given moment, with photos or words that we don’t want to hear. They say Curiosity killed the cat. Unfortunately now, you don’t even have to be curious if you are a cat. You just need a Facebook account and a good wifi connection and curiosity finds you.
So. I decided to post a list. Photos I wish I had never seen but burn into my eyes forever. Thanks internet. Thanks a bunch. (Also I see the irony in this post. For I am about to burden your eyes with the same things I wish I had never seen. You’re welcome)
1: The Ten Thousand Dick Pics I have received on SnapChat
About three years ago my glorious friend Sophie Fisher introduced me to SnapChat. It didn’t take long before I was sharing hilariously pointless videos of my life for the world to see. Unfortunately it also didn’t take long for me to receive my first photograph of a mans genitalia. I can’t remember exactly what I was doing. But I am almost certain it was something innocent. Like the washing. Or cooking for my children. I might even have been in a meeting. Whatever it was I was doing I CERTAINLY wasn’t inviting another human to waggle their ugly trouser snake in my face.
I blocked it. Over the next 12 months I received more penis photographs than I care to remind myself of. From all kinds of people. All of them men, obviously. But some of these men were people I had respected. Worked with. People whom I had preferred when I didn’t know what grimities were lurking beneath. I decided to do two things:
Firstly, delete SnapChat. Forever. I had allowed that app to rape my eyes for too long.
Secondly, delete the senders of these minging photos. I do NOT need you in my life thanks.
2: Blue Waffle Vagina
When you spend time with soldiers you get introduced to all kinds of things you probably shouldn’t have. There are two things on this list that are attributed to my military friends. I hate them for it.
It was during a weekend at the P1 power-boating in Poole, that I was introduced to the blue waffle.
I don’t know what to say.
I do know that I showed it to my mum one evening and instead of recoiling in horror as most normal people would, she moved forward and said “Gosh. That poor, poor woman” followed by a slightly panic’d look at me and “How do you catch that? Can you catch it from a toilet seat?”
I don’t know Mum. I haven’t put that much thought into it to be honest.
The internet is truly horrible. Although the question has to be asked. How did that photo ever even get there? Did someone send it to a boyfriend? Surely not. Did a doctor take it then use it on an internet paper? I guess. However it got there, I wish it hadn’t found its way into my life.
3: The Aforementioned Photos of Animals Being Skinned Alive
There are some truly cruel and horrible people in this world. Using Afghanistan as an example, I support a wonderful charity called Nowzad. I didn’t chose to support Nowzad because it posts horrific photographs of animals. It doesn’t. The animals it looks after are given the same dignity that humans are given. The photographs they post are positive. The story that accompanies the photo are not full of graphic detail. They are factual. They give you enough for you to know exactly what is going on out there. I support them because they are doing something special. It is an incredible charity run by incredible people.
My Facebook timeline is full of videos and photos of people abusing animals. I do NOT want to see it. In the same way I am happy to be made aware of child abuse and rape, I do not want the gory details or photo story attached. Human beings are perfectly capable of realising what horrors must have gone on for a child to die at the hands of its parents or when a woman is brutally raped, robbed of a life, dignity and pride. Showing me the incident doesn’t make me feel more compassion. It just horrifies me. I don’t wish to be horrified.
Last week, Andy and I both clicked on a link and witnessed 20 seconds of a beautiful dog being skinned alive.
Before the internet lost all self respect, there were certain sites you could visit if you wanted to see these things. Gore.com was one of them. Now, it appears the website I go to to share my family’s photos and see friends enjoying days on racetracks, is also the site where I get to see a cat have its tail chopped off whilst being boiled alive in water.
The standard response from friends who post this is “If you don’t like it, don’t click on it” Ok, that is never going to happen. Humans don’t not click on things. It is our very nature to be curious. Other responses include “If you don’t like what I post, don’t follow me” Sadly, in the main, I do like what you post. You are one of my many interesting friends. Which is why you are allowed into my private internet zone. I just don’t like your inability to sensor the world a little.
There is a glorious poem which I stumbled across on the internet. About Truth and her ‘sister’ Lies. We all strive for complete honesty. From our friends, our family, our children. Honesty is so incredibly important. However, with honesty comes truth and you know what? The truth can be a fucking ugly mother arse. In the poem Truth was engaged in war. She came home and everyone asked her what she had seen. It was a WW1 poem. She sat, sharing with the world the truth of what she had seen. People were left so horrified by it that they became recluse. Enter, her sister Lies. Truth had spurned Lies as being the most hateful of things. However when the two came together they realised that sometimes the truth was too much for people. That sometimes the truth is too painful for people to know.
I feel this. I don’t want to see dead dog photos. I prefer the lie. Perhaps we muddle trust with truth? If Andrew gets drunk and dragged into a strip club on a Tuesday night, I’ll ask him about it but I want him to lie. Because I don’t want to know. To think about him surrounded by naked, gorgeous women. I want my partner to lie? Am I mad? No. I know that Andy wouldn’t behave in the way I am afraid of him behaving. If he was in a strip club, there is no single way he would waste his money on a lap dance. He would drink. That would be it. My mind however would forever make up ugly stories. I don’t want that truth. I would rather he protected me from it. Of course I would want the truth if he slept with someone or if he met another woman. Sometimes the truth is something we are better off without.
So please. Keep your truths of dog massacre to yourself. Thank you.
4: Two Girls One Cup
I don’t need to tell anyone why I wish I had never seen this. And sadly. It wasn’t a photo. It was a video.
For anyone who has not seen TGOC I implore you to not see it. Instead watch the videos on YouTube of people WATCHING it. They are much funnier and you will not be left wandering around the rest of your life with a look of sheer horror, tormented forever by what some people are willing to do for money or for pleasure.
5: Memes. INSPIRATIONAL ONES.
I have to apologise straight off the mark because I am one of these annoying meme posters. I try and do it with a rarity but sometime, a meme says it better than I can. So please learn from this blog that I am a complete hypocrite.
Still. You there posting your 50 million memes about how I can improve my life? Get some words of your own!! Please. Go out and find the words to impart your OWN wisdoms on people.
“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars”
All very good thanks. But a rainbow is not going to cheer me up from this foul mood I am in because I have just had my heart broken. All I am going to think when I see a rainbow is “Screw you rainbow. With your happy little colourful glow and your promises of pots of gold at the end of something that is IMPOSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE”
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”
Thanks Marilyn. You’re right we are all flawed. Your speech is really empowering. It’s just I can’t get past the fact that you were so unhappy you took an overdose. And I kind of see this quote as an excuse for being shit to people. You know? I mean did you make these allowances for someone else? Did you have someone at their worst and love them no matter what? Or did you just expect them to accept your high maintenance life and then give them no understanding at all for theirs. I know. You can’t bitch about Marilyn. I’m not. I am merely offering another perspective on this stupid meme. At least they were her words though. Not ones she borrowed off another human
Finally. My very least favourite
“A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won’t fix it or beg. She will just walk away”
Ok, two things. Firstly, a strong woman won’t post a meme telling everyone she is a strong woman. Because a strong woman doesn’t need to shout to other people that she is a strong woman. In fact I am almost certain that is what the bloody quote says. She’ll just walk away. She won’t walk away but tell the internet about it in a kind of absurd sub tweet to whomever she is walking away from BECAUSE SHE WANTS THEM TO NOT LEAVE HER. Secondly, Not fixing something isn’t strong. That is called giving up and running away. Self protection. A strong woman – or person – will fix anything for the person they love. That might mean quietly walking away. It does not mean loudly announcing that they are leaving. That is why society is so full of divorce. People not accepting flaws in each other and giving up.
Strong people quietly fight. They quietly heal. They quietly and kindly admit their mistakes. They face their true feelings and fears and they go away and try to fix them. They understand when they have hurt someone, regardless of their intentions. They understand others insecurities and they are patient.
They don’t cobble together a meme whilst crying into their buckets singing “Woe is me, I have been wronged”
Ok. I’ll admit I have used memes. But at least I am honest about the reason. They are almost always a sub tweet to someone else. Because I am not strong. Not at all. I am just not afraid to admit to the world I am absolutely petrified of pretty much everything there is. I just know that the other side of that absolute fear lies something incredible. And that I have been through enough to know there is nothing that will hurt me as much as not trying, not doing or worst of all. Giving up.
And mostly, because I want attention. Attention for me is like a little power up. Pathetic isn’t it? But at least I am honest about that girls!!
Isn’t it weird? Girls post weird inspirational quotes. Men post dick photos. There lies all the answers one needs to know about male and female psychology.
Right. We have come to the end of my first scheduled blog post. Wednesday night means TOWIE night and …. only two more sleeps until Andy comes home.
I wonder if the reason I am so bitter these days is because I am so happy?
What a weirdo I am.