We all have flaws don’t we? Good points and bad points about our personalities. Mr T and I were discussing someone the other day and he said “Blimey I couldn’t live with her. She’s bossy, argumentative and neurotic” Initially I found myself agreeing. Then we both stopped in our tracks. We looked at each other. At the exact same time we realised that Mr T was already living with her. Her personality traits were exactly the same as mine. Gosh. Silence. Followed by a caring hand on my lap and a quick change of subject. I wasn’t angry about this realisation. I mean I point out Mr T’s traits all the time, far to many to list on this blog and to be honest I know and respect my flaws. But it did make me think though, It’s easy to see the inner beast in others but do we always see our own? and if we do, what do we do with it.
My inner beast is an ugly, angry, hairy and probably smelly one. Mr T knows my beast well. Some of you won’t have met him yet. But you probably will at some point. I call my beast Norman.
Norman tends to wake up at around 6am and go back to sleep at midday. Midday is when my actual personality wakes up. Norman is woken by anything that pisses me off. He is like my inner guard dog. If something is unjust, Norman wakes up. If Mr T talks to a woman who I think could be a threat, Norman wakes up. Sometimes Norman wakes up all on his own for no reason whatsoever. He just feels like it.
Norman has single-handedly ruined some perfectly good friendships and has been the maker of some pretty awkward situations. At times I have found myself really ashamed of him. In fact quite often I completely and entirely deny the existence of him. Norman? Norman who?
I look at other people and I look at the way they treat people or me and I think about how appallingly they have behaved. I quite often look at Mr T and we roll our eyes when we are listening to someone moaning about how badly they have been treated. Acting as if they are an injured party when, in fact, they have created the situation themselves by letting their inner beast run free.
Some people’s ‘Normans’ are different to mine. Mine is loud and SHOUTY AND YELLY AND YOU DEFINITELY CANNOT IGNORE THAT HE IS IN THE ROOM. I know some people whose beasts are sly and sneaky and subtle. They lure peoples sympathies in by acting all weak and meek and sad and pathetic. I’m not too keen on those types of beasts. I don’t trust them and you never really know where you are with them. At least Norman gives it all to you both barrels. There is no mistaking if you have pissed him off.
When Norman is asleep I would describe myself as a calm, happy, intelligent woman with a heart the size of a football pitch that would bend over backwards to help anyone with anything I could. Norman seems pacified by my children. Even when they are causing me to go cross-eyed, he doesn’t stir at all.
When Norman is awake I become irrational, angry, uncontrolled. I forget to bite my tongue and I can feel my hackles standing up. My mother knows Norman and sometimes I think Norman may really have it in for her. He seems most beastly to Mum, Mr T and my Brother Ned. Oh and to me. He is pretty beastly to me at times.
My inner beast running free is NOT a good thing. He was running free the night I let down the tyres on my ex bosses car for having an affair with my friends husband. He had scarpered by the morning though and left me to deal with the Pack Drill. Letting him run free also resulted in my ex boyfriends hot tub being filled with Fairy washing up liquid when I discovered he had been cheating on me. He was there long enough to cause the damage but vanished the second my ex showed up with the spa maintenance guy and left me to try and explain the 8 foot bubble mountain that appeared before I could make my escape. No, letting Norman run wild is a mistake. He ran wild all the way through school. He started smoking. He told my Head Teacher to Fuck Off and he never turned up to detentions. It was thanks to Norman that I enrolled in college but spent most of that time going for long motorbike rides with my brothers inner beast (I just call my brothers inner beast Ned because there is no noticeable difference between him and the beast)
When I cage my inner beast I become. Well. Dull and sort of pathetic. Okay so losing my job because of the tyre incident wasn’t great but knowing the reasons why I did it. The passion behind it. It was worth it. I don’t think I regret completely any of the situations where Norman has run riot. I find the clean up after a little awkward sometimes but I’m big enough to deal with it. Without Norman this blog wouldn’t exist. Macchina wouldn’t exist. I might still be doing my old job. Or worse. I may have a proper job. God. I haven’t actually spent anytime regretting any of the things my inner beast has put me through. The friends I have lost because of him, were never really friends at all. Norman was just saying what we all thought anyway and he couldn’t be bothered to sit in an awkward silence with people that he knew were pretty shit. You see he doesn’t upset my real friends. In fact I think they quite like Norman. He isn’t left to sit at the bar whilst we all have fun, sometimes in fact my real mates encourage him on to the dance floor. I have spent a lot of time regretting when I have caged him though, bitten my tongue. You know those moments when you have been controlled and then a few hours later thought “If only I said” or “If only I did” When my inner beast is free I don’t have those moments
I have learnt to embrace him. He is part of me. A naughty, angry part of me but he is the passion behind most things I do that I need to be brave for. If he wasn’t there I wouldn’t have got through a lot of the painful things I have been through.
I don’t think any of us should cage or be ashamed of our inner beasts. I do think we should tame them. Learn when the best time is to let them roar and when its best to rein them in a bit. Use your inner beast to fight for your friends, defend your family, prove its YOU that should get that promotion and to stand UP for your rights. Let your inner beast out to playin the fits of passion. Don’t use him to make others feel small because YOU feel small. Don’t use him to hurt people because you are jealous of them. Don’t let him control you.
And if you didn’t all think I was completely mental before you read this post, you probably do now.